"Why?"

I don't know, and I'm beginning to suspect that I never will.

I'll just have to follow my nose and make do.

"Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes,
They call me on and on across the universe,
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box
They tumble blindly as they make their way
Across the universe"

-The Beatles

Highlighter

I wonder about what you're reading.

I wonder about the highlighter lounging between your fingers.

I wonder about line you're highlighting, and if you just had your breath taken away.

I wonder about the tattoo on your ankle- what it means to you.

I wonder about your purple beanie and what color of hair you have beneath it.

I wonder what your eyes would say if they ever talked with mine.

Doodle 8

Caution to the Wind

I was standing at the stoplight of 17th S. and 13th E. today, waiting for the light to turn green. Across from me in the left hand turn lane was a middle aged woman on a powder blue bike with a basket. Wearing a helmet, sweater and shorts with a spandex under-layer. She was a picture of normality on a sunny fall morning.

The light was red for the traffic heading North and South on 13th and there wasn't any crossing traffic on 17th south. Everything was quiet. We- the woman on her bike, the people in their cars, and me on my feet- waited with the impatience that comes with being stuck at a light with no cross traffic.

"You might die." The traffic light seems to tell us in the insufferable tone of the self-righteously safety minded. "So don't even think about running me..."

Fine.

Then the woman on the bike moves. She lifts her head- looks both ways- and puts her foot on the pedal. Her eyes widen and her mouth splits into a maniacal adrenalin induced grin.

She goes for it.

Passing me, her hair blowing in the wind, she pedals as hard as she can down the hill. Her face shares how exquisitely exhilarating life can be, and that sometimes the rush is worth throwing caution to the wind.

Mid-sized Mammal

I am just a mid-sized mammal.

I am stinky, hairy, and quite biological.

I don't need delusions of grandeur.

I am not the smallest.

I am not the biggest.

I am not the fastest.

I am not the slowest.

I can eat meat.

I can eat vegetables.

I can hunt.

I can be hunted.

I don't need delusions of grandeur.

I am stinky, hairy, and quite biological.

I am just a mid-sized mammal.

A Healthy Dose of Doubt

I don't know the answers.

Certainty is the expectation.

Religion. Politics. Love. Life. Past. Future. Existence.

I cannot contain all that is.

I am a part of It, but I am not all of It.

I can live my life, such as it is, in the best way that I can.

Imperfectly happy.

Letter to a Little Sister

How could I forget you? Self exploration is key to life, because who we are is the lens through which we see the world. If we are skewed, blurry and clouded, then our perception of reality will be skewed, blurry and clouded. The first thing that I'd like to say is that there is no formula for self discovery. I can tell you what I did to help me along that path, but your path is your own and only you can find your way along it.

The first thing I tried to do was simplify. "What makes me happy?" "What makes me unhappy?"

-Sunrises make me happy. So occasionally I'll get up really early and go to canyon rim park to watch the sunrise.

-Quiet moments with a cup of coffee or tea make me happy.

-Hugs make me happy, so I hug everyone.

-Good music makes me happy.

-Green olives, bread, and cheese make me happy.

-Not really caring what people think of me makes me happy, so I don't.

-Church makes me unhappy, so I don't go to church.

-People who are judgemental make me unhappy, so I do my best not to judge.

-Certain friends didn't make me happy, so I didn't spend as much time with them.

There is this story that I heard about this dude Kurt and his uncle. Kurt and his uncle would go fishing with the fam, play football, and everything fun that families normally do. But every once and a while, when the conversation died for a second, or there was a quiet moment, Kurt's uncle would say: "I'm happy." What Kurt took from these statements is that we don't often realize when we are truly happy, and that it is important to just take a second when you are to recognize and embrace it- to just understand how special that moment truly is.

Second, I marinated in the idea of contentment. To me it is that soft feeling inside where I know that myself, the universe, and all that is- are right where they need to be- and that is ok. Contentment is like a boat. It is a state of mind that can ride the waves of joy and anguish in life and still leave me a part of, and feeling ok with the world. Without contentment I am swimming in a hurricane.

Third, I read a book called: "The Dhammapada" It is the book written by Buddha. If you are Buddhist or not, the book is full of simple wise passages about how one can remain balanced and happy in this turbulent world. It is super short and really easy to read. You can find it at any library or bookstore. Look at all of the copies that they have, because different translators will have different styles, and you want the one that speaks best to you.

Fourth, I spent a lot of time sitting and thinking. Being alone in nature helped a ton to free me from the normal baggage that comes with thinking. "What am I going to eat for dinner?" and such unimportant thoughts. I also found sitting in a dark room with candles and quiet relaxing music without words very helpful for good thinking. Yoga is great as well because it combines exercise and meditation. If you look to join a class make sure that it has both parts, because some classes will be heavy on one side or the other and do not give you the complete experience.

Fifth, I talked to people. I bounced ideas and feelings off friends, family, and complete strangers. Talking helps to consolidate my thoughts so that they make more sense, and usually the person that I'm talking to has some sort of insight into the topic.

Lastly, I did my best to let go. I let go of hurt, guilt, and suffering. There was a point where I needed to address my pain, and there was a point where I could not let it rule me any longer. I realized that the pain was a part of my history- my story, but the story is mine. I am the writer and I can choose not to allow pain from the past to taint my future.

I hope that helps. :) Let me know if you have any other thoughts.

Scotty

So Heavy

Things in life can become so heavy. We don't realize the full weight of what we are lugging around until it is gone. I drove through the canyon, light as a bird, with my new windows down and my hand sticking out of my new sunroof. I can't describe how light I feel now that all that crap is over.

Lessons Learned Living Alone

Walk around naked; it is quite liberating

Cooking is fun

Mail is exciting

Don't ignore cleaning

Don't obsess about cleanliness

Take out the garbage often

Garbage is collected on Tuesday

Odd smells are preventable

Water spots on dishes are not

Dirty dishes are a necessary evil of eating

Unclasp your set of measuring cups, otherwise they are a pain in the ass to wash

Measuring cups are overrated

That horrible noise that only occurs at night is just the heater- not a monster

That feeling of loneliness just means you aren't getting out enough

Invite people over; people don't want to intrude and won't come on their own

Left

The shadowy mountains loom.

To my left they shoot up and disappear into a thick blanket of clouds.

I am stopped at a sign that assures me that if I turn left, I'll find solitude.

Solitude is what I need.

The world's fist is inside my chest squeezing, wringing, compressing.

Left and Up into the canyon.

Cliffs close in on either side and disappear into the dense cloud layer as I wind my way towards solitude.

The mountains and the pines have a mass in space and time.

Their permanence in both highlights the transience of my existence.

Snowflakes gently drift around me, hardly seeming to move. Gravity itself seeming to take a moment to stop and admire their beauty.

My worries are ephemeral.

Climbing, turning, winding.

Gravity remembers itself and silently tears feathers of snow from the clouds.

I pause to sit on an embankment in the snow looking out over a shallow pond.

The feathers of snow become chunks. The clouds themselves descend, shrouding everything.

I've found solitude; an expanse of silent drifting white.

Molcasalsa

Stomach: "Oh, dear God! Mouth! What have you done!?

Mouth: "I'm sorry!"

Stomach: *sob* "What is this?"

Mouth: *quietly* "...Molcasalsa."

Stomach: "Mouth! You know what happens to me when you eat Molcasalsa.... How could you do this to me?"

Mouth: "I'm sorry!" *shudder* "You don't know what the cravings are like! The carne asada, the rice, the beans, THE ENCHILADAS!"

Nose: "They smelled pretty good..."

Stomach: "Shut up Nose! Nobody asked you! You're a part of an unrelated sensory system- and this is none of your business!"

Mouth: "Leave Nose alone!"

Stomach: "Mouth, listen; Intestines and I will be paying for your 15 minutes of ecstasy for the next ten hours!"

Intestines: "Wait, what? What's going on up there?"

Stomach: *sigh* "Listen buddy, I have some bad news..."